Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
