I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
