Someone shit on the floor
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
