Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
