Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
