Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
