I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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