You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
