The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
