So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Randomize
