God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
These tits shall not be calmed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
