my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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