I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
