I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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