dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
