there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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