Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
