just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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