apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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