A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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