I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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