I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
