awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
