I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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