she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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