Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
