Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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