i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
