maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
