Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
