he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
