my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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