He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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