Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
