just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The power of my boobs compel you
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
