I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
