I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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