Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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