So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
