Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
