apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
