i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
