I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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