if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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