I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
