haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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