Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
