is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
