Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
