I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We talked him into tasing himself.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
