Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
